Aaah Jeff, you have been too lenient with Staff. Could the wretched and neglectful Staff accompany you on some trips outdoors in the rain/night/heat? Staff have access to suitable clothing and we assume they are adults, so should not be afraid of the dark.
Staff, this is serious. The perfect life of Jeff must not be compromised in ANY way at all.
Jeff, you may have to take things into your own paws. Don’t forget that you witnessed staff inexpertly securing the bathroom window! If all else fails, enlist the help of the dog – you can bargain with him for the return of the couch blanket. (Don’t worry, verbal contracts between cats and dogs are unenforceable.)